


Though I'm Breaking Down Again

by subtextismygod



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: And Very In Love, Angst, M/M, POV Alec Lightwood, im sorry to all of you, its also sad, oh alec and magnus are married, thats all it is its just angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:15:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23778994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/subtextismygod/pseuds/subtextismygod
Summary: All is lost. Alec won't let Magnus die. Magnus won't let Alec die.But there is a sacrifice to be made.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 8
Kudos: 45





	Though I'm Breaking Down Again

**Author's Note:**

> work title from hurricane by fleurie
> 
> enjoy.

“The next wave will be coming any minute,” Alec said, wincing from the  _ iratze  _ he was drawing on his arm. Slowly, a couple of his wounds healed, but most of them stayed open. Less than a moment later, Magnus rested his hand against Alec’s gashed chest, muttering a word to heal it. But even that did little to heal it. 

“We can’t hold them off,” he said, pulling Alec to his feet, the warm metal of Magnus’ gold wedding band a familiar and welcome feeling against Alec’s skin. “I don’t know if we can survive.” 

Alec felt a wave of fear at the mere thought of Magnus dying. Because it was ‘we,’ not ‘you.’ Because it was the same chance that Magnus died as Alec. “Go,” he said, supporting himself against Magnus, trying, failing, to ignore the pain coursing through every wound. The ones on his arms that screamed every time he drew his bow. The ones on his legs that made it hard to stand. The ones on his chest that made every heartbeat hurt. “I’ll buy you time.” 

He laughed darkly in response, his no longer hidden cat eyes flashing with something that was not humor. “Alexander, I love you, but not even you can hold off a hundred demonspawn. Expert Shadowhunter or not.” He turned Alec to fully face him, looking into his eyes. Once again, Alec really understood how pretty the amber cat eyes were. How it took almost a decade for Magnus to fully let himself be comfortable enough around Alec to dispel years of paranoia and not hide his eyes, his  _ true  _ eyes. 

Trust had come slowly between them. But they had heaps of it, now. They would go to the ends of the earth for each other. Unfortunately for them, it seemed that the end of the earth was back a little way. But he still couldn’t let Magnus die. He wouldn’t. So he shook his head. “No,” he said simply, feeling his throat close up with a half-suppressed sob. “I can’t. But…” He swallowed, the tears that flooded his eyes clouding his vision. “But I can’t let you die. We always knew you would-- you would outlive me.” 

He dropped his gaze, unable to even look at the broken emotion that was easy to spot on Magnus’ face. “Not like this,” Magnus choked out. With a gentle touch that broke Alec’s heart, he tilted his chin up slightly “You were supposed to live a long life. You were supposed to grow old. With me.” His hand was shaking as he wiped a stray tear from his eye, not once tearing his gaze from Alec. “You say you can’t let me die. I can’t let you die, either.” 

That was the epitome of it all. Neither of them were willing to let the other die for them, because they would sooner die for the other. “Please,” Alec begged, his voice cracking as he tried to desperately keep himself from crying, though it didn’t stop the stray tears that streamed down his cheeks. “I love you, Magnus,” he said, unable to keep down the powerful sob that shuddered through his body. “Let me save you, this one time. Live your whole life, live it long, and please, just  _ live _ .” 

There was a silence so deep that Alec wondered if he had actually died and was only living for a moment before his vision went black. Though, he thought, he might as well prepare for that. It was going to happen soon. But he wasn’t dead, he was very much alive, when Magnus closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and nodded. “Fine. You win.” Alec didn’t hide the relief that flowed through him. This time, he didn’t bother to wipe the tear that fell onto the grey grass. 

“Use my strength,” Alec said. He wouldn’t need it, anyway. Just long enough to give Magnus the chance he needed. “Portal as far as you can get.”

“I’m not strong enough to get far,” Magnus said, trying to protest. 

Alec just shook his head. “I can hold them off. Just get out of here.” He took a long and shaking breath, preparing for the feeling of Magnus seeping some of his strength. But it didn’t come. 

Instead, Magnus took a slight step forward and took both of Alec’s hands, his finger absentmindedly stroking against the silver wedding band Alec wore. Always wore. Right next to the Lightwood family ring. “I love you, Alexander,” he whispered. Alec could feel the wetness of Magnus’ face from the tears as he leaned in and brushed a soft kiss against his lips. 

So this was it. This was goodbye for them. A decade of it all, of them, and this was where it ended. “I love you, too.” And he wasn’t about to have goodbye be a short kiss. No, he certainly wasn’t. He pulled Magnus in close, not caring about the pain that it caused himself as he wrapped his arms around him in a tight hug and met his lips with a long, careful kiss. Like it had started, the moment when Magnus first kissed him. Long, caring, and something that was special, something that was wholly theirs. And when he pulled away, he found himself calm in the face of his impending death. “Goodbye, Magnus,” he said softly, lifting Magnus’ hand to press against his chest.

There it was, the feeling of something seeping out of him, as Magnus drew upon his strength. He hoped he couldn’t feel the quickening of Alec’s heart as he drew more and more, until he felt like he could barely stand. But he stood. He would stand for eternity if it saved Magnus. Then it stopped without warning as Magnus stepped back a little bit, giving Alec a little smile, a sad smile. “Goodbye, Alexander.” 

Alec didn’t have time to process why Magnus seemed afraid, why he seemed to be holding back a current of tears. He didn’t have time to process the glowing portal that formed not by Magnus, but underneath him.

He just fell into it, scrambling to get a grip on something out of instinct, his fingers catching on a chain, pulling, breaking it, and then landing in a heap on top of the ridge, looking down on the battlefield that rose up to meet the single figure on a field of grey grass.

Magnus.

Magnus had lied to him, had Portaled him away.

Magnus had saved him.

But he had also doomed himself. 

He didn’t notice the weight of the chain in his hand, nor the pendant on it, as he looked down, helplessly watching as a horde of fifteen demons rose from the ground. He couldn’t see what Magnus was doing, not from this distance, but he did see when he erupted in an inferno of blue fire.

Alec screamed a shattered, broken, and utterly agonized scream.

The entire valley lit up in blue fire, blue the same color as Alec’s eyes, as Magnus drew strength from the rest of his very being, tearing himself apart to find the strength to take down the demons. 

Alec was still screaming, yelling, sobbing, as he couldn’t tear his eyes from where Magnus, his Magnus, his husband, was falling into a hell of his own making as he burned himself up. As he died in a burst of flames that were the final testament to his love for Alec. 

He screamed Magnus’ name, over and over and over, until he thought he was going to die from the pain that lanced through him at the sight of Magnus dying in front of him. Then the name itself was lost as Alec just screamed, screamed  _ no _ , as his voice cracked and broke, but he didn’t let up, couldn’t stop, as he was forced to watch.

It was as if a part of him had been ripped away, like someone had stabbed his heart with an  _ adamas  _ knife and twisted, twisted, twisted as the wound burned, burned, burned. It felt like when the  _ parabatai  _ rune had gone when Jace died during the Mortal War, except a thousand times more painful, a thousand times more wounding. 

He was forced to watch as the flames that were the last piece of Magnus rendered the demons to ash. 

Then vanished. 

Where there had been once the roar of the flames and the shattered screams of Alec, there was only silence. Only silence as he watched nothing return, as he desperately looked for any sign of Magnus’ survival. Saw nothing. Slowly, the silence faded into broken sobs as Alec crumpled to the ground, his knees hitting the soft, grey grass, not feeling anything but the dull throb of his marriage rune. 

As it, with painful and heartbreaking gentleness, burned off his chest, right above his heart. 

The last trace of Magnus Bane, gone in a moment. 

Alec didn’t stand up. 

He didn’t stand up for a long while. 

He just ran his finger over the necklace he had snatched over and over, feeling the cool metal. Feeling the engraved letters he knew so well. The necklace he had given Magnus for their five year anniversary.

_ Aku cinta kamu _ . 

**Author's Note:**

> please leave kudos and comments if you liked it, all comments make my day. Thanks for reading.


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